Drawing Pictures in the Sand
by 0melting.snow0
Summary: When Rachel Berry left Lima after graduation she was taking something with her. Now, returning after five years, she’s a star on Broadway but not everything is about fame anymore. Give it a try. : Puckleberry
1. Chapter 1

**Drawing Pictures in the Sand**

Chapter 1

She'd been on Broadway, she'd heard the cheers, she'd drowned in the empty faces but everything had fallen on deaf ears at some point. She couldn't bring herself to care. Not anymore. Shifting her bag on the other shoulder she walked through the empty halls of the airport.

It had been Mr. Schue who once made her understandwhat _Home is where your heart is _really meant.

There had been a time when she thought everything she ever needed would be her voice. This had been the time she had been thinking in notes.

_Beat. Bar. Metrum. Rhythm._

The cheers of the masses…An euphony locked somewhere deep inside her head.

She tried to remember when it happened, when everything became so much more than she was able to bear. Sometime in between.

There were a few things that she knew.

There was a plan for everyone in this life. It wasn't made by some supernatural force. In fact it simply was…

A car slowed down in front of her and she hesitated for a moment. Blinking against heavy raindrops she grabbed her bag and balanced it in her hand. She looked down, just for a second. Rachel Berry wasn't used to humble gestures. But _just_ _Rachel_ was.

A pair of purple boots came into her view and she forced herself to look up. It wasn't like they weren't friends anymore, but she hadn't seen him in an eternity. Yet, he still looked like five years ago.

The smile on his face was the same like the one all these years ago. Careless. Free. Like living was still easy. She was pulled into a major hug. The soft scent of raspberries infiltrated her nostrils and she realized that maybe they weren't as close as she thought. Not anymore. Never been.

Again she seemed to drift away. A hand on her shoulder helped her focus. For the moment. She turned her back to the airport and got into the car, leaving behind what once was her life.

The city was passing like flashlights in September. It reminded her of something. A boy with soft lips and a heart melting smile. But it also could've been an illusion, because memories were washed away like blood under a cold shower spray.

There had been a time she prayed to god. Asking him for grace, love, sympathy, forgiveness. But his absolution has stand revealed to have no benefit for her.

Her smudged eyeliner turned her into one of those creatures she'd always been afraid of. The monsters that were hiding under her bed when she was a child. Not fictional. Not real. Something in between. And even though nobody had ever believed her some of them were still hunting her in her dreams.

When they arrived at the hospital it seemed so different form any of the others she'd been in and there had been plenty in the last couple of month.

Swaying slightly she sat down on a chair. Brown strains were glued to her pale cheeks and she tried to remember the time when the better part of her had disappeared. Somewhere between now and then. Eventually.

"Hey…"

It was the first time he spoke. Kurt's voice sounded odd to her ears, like little stones were crunching under her shoes somewhere in the desert. Just… out of place. Desperately she tried to find her voice, find a way to express herself, but something had just locked her into a self-made cage.

Kurt watched her, while she was still staring at the ground. For a second he tried to figure out what his "used-to-be" friend was thinking but her expression was blank. It had always been easy to read Rachel. The sparkling eyes, the giddy face and the funny moves. Maybe she was someone else…at this time.

Only heavy mist separated him from the person he tried to remember, from happy days and joyful lives. This had been the time he'd been able to smile, to cry – just being human.

"They say everything's ready."

Rachel nodded and got onto her feet, stumbling down the halls, never letting go of Kurt Hummel's hand. They stopped in front of a room, covered with balloons and plush dolls. The walls were a rainbow and just looking at it made her want to cry.

She looked at her friend and a fake smile appeared on her face. If he hadn't known her better, he'd actually believed her. She'd always been an excellent actress.

Slowly she opened the door and went in.

"Mommy!"

"Hey there sugar pie."

TbC?

A/N: I'm really sorry if there are mistakes left. I'm sure there are. =/


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

It wasn't like you could choose the path your life is going. Some things you had to accept. Rachel smiled when she sat down next to her son.

She'd been worried when she'd let her Dads bring him here for his latest round of chemotherapy, because she hadn't been able to cancel her last performance. It was end of season anyway and somebody could've just taken her place. But no. The producer wanted the big showdown and threatened her with a sue.

But now she was here and he was still alive.

He'd fallen asleep right after she promised him she wouldn't let him alone for the night. Kurt had headed home right after they'd arrived and she knew he was going to tell the others. Maybe he was just too much of a girl after all. Finn wouldn't be there, but she no longer expected him to be. In her head she knew he would be married by now, to a tall blonde bimbo, living in a big house with a white fence in front of it… being a father of exactly 2.5 healthy kids.

There had been a point in her life when she wished he was the one who impregnated her. He was the one who tried to make the right decisions. But in the end just trying had never been good enough. So it didn't really matter that it wasn't him. Not until now.

Rachel looked down at her little boy and felt something within her shatter. This wasn't supposed to happen like this. No mother should survive her child. Chemo had stopped working weeks ago and now she was forced to watch him wasting away. She couldn't be anywhere else but here, wishing she wasn't. So, she let him be with... her. Even if it was killing her.

And she said nothing.

She didn't want to watch him, but she could never forgive herself if she would let him die alone.

She realized she'd become someone else when she couldn't stand the cheers anymore. Now, she liked the silence. Her voice locked up whenever a doctor wanted to talk to her – staring into space as though it's the only peaceful place left for her.

When haphazard thuds landed against the door, Rachel almost didn't hear them, because she was lost in her own little world of musical drama's and poisoned blood. She glanced up, wondering if she'd heard something. But there was nothing left beside the slow and even breath of the little boy next to her. She glanced down at him and realized he looked just like his father.

The slam arrived again at the door and it sounded like someone tried to break trough the wood just by knocking. Sighing she got up and opened it. Whoever it was had obviously never been in a cancer wing.

She hasn't seen him in years yet he still looked like himself and for a moment she forgot how to breathe. Dark circles hugged his eyes as though he was haunted. Maybe he was. After all… She was the ghost hunting his dreams. His body swayed and she half expected him to fall, but he didn't. Maybe he was drunk. Maybe he wasn't. She couldn't bring herself to care anymore.

"What are you doing here?"

"Hummel called. Said there was something important…"

Figured… She let out a heavy sigh, pulling him into the room. He followed, stumbling. She could feel his eyes on her body but her focus was on keeping him quiet and explaining why she needed him to be here, sober.

"You gonna tell me, what is our Diva doing back here?"

"Depends…"

"On…?" She folded her arms over her chest, forcing herself to remember the words she didn't like.

"Whether or not you're sober enough to focus."

He glanced up at her and for a moment she catches his eye, making her realize that maybe he wasn't as drunk as he tried to be.

She reached for a chair and shoved it in his direction. She looked haggard. Her muscles ached, and she took a breath. She had to calm down. This had to stop. Just because it wasn't going as planned, didn't mean he was going to refuse or yell or punch. They weren't in High School anymore, right? They were the grown ups.

"I'm going to need your help and I think Kurt called you because I… couldn't…"

"What do you mean?"

"I never asked you for anything. We were fine by our own, but… I can't do this. I would but…"

He stared at her because he couldn't bring himself to watch the small figure huddled under the sheets on the bed. He had to hear it from her because until now she'd refused his help because she was a strong, driven woman, who'd became the Diva and he… well he was still a Lima Loser. What could she possibly want from him?

"_Rachel…", _he hissed.

"He's sick, Noah…"

"What?"

"Acute lymphoblastic leukemia… He's dying…"

For a while, he didn't even look at him. He was fascinated with the ground. His fingers roamed in circles against his knuckles while he tried to find something soothing about the motions.

"Chemo stopped working weeks ago. The doctors said we could try stem cell transplantation. But I don't fit and Dad and Daddy either… So I brought him here, going to ask you to get tested…"

"Fuck, Rachel… I'm…"

She'd known Noah Puckerman for 15 years and even though he had been the hero in High School he was as afraid of life as everybody else.

"You have to do this for me or I'll never be able to forgive you!"

"He looks peaceful…", Puck mumbled.

Rachel stared at him.

"Oh he is ready to die…"

Puck looked at her puzzled. She sat across from him. His hair was plastered to his head and she tried to remember the Mohawk, but in her head there were no memories left.

"Why?", he asked.

She gave him a dark, desperate look that tore down every brick he'd managed to pile onto his charade of a wall. He hated seeing her like this. He shouldn't care. He didn't. She had been the one who took away his son. Now she had to figure this one out. The problem was… He did care. About her and his son.

"He's tired…", she simply answered.

He knew it would probably be a mistake asking, but he couldn't bring himself to stop.

"Then why can't you let him go to sleep?"

She looked away, not able to meet his eyes. In the end she was still this selfish girl.

"I'm the one who is not ready to let him die…"

TbC

A/N: Thank you very much for everybody who took the time to leave a Review. I'm flattered. :D


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

"What's his name?"

Rachel looked up. He hadn't left after all. When they'd finished fighting he just sat down next to the small bed and stared at his son. She knew she'd hurt him by taking him away but she'd been selfish at this point. She would never apologize to him but he never expected her to.

"William…"

He looked up and she smiled sheepishly at him. "It's a good name… So… How have you been?"

"Fine…" The lie was subtle and she knew he wouldn't believe her. She sighed heavily bringing her focus back to the little boy between the sheets. "We… survived somehow…"

"You could've called…"

"Could I?" She babbled the question without thinking. Some things would never change.

Puck gritted his teeth and tried to rise – he tried so hard he started to shake. His body simply couldn't give anymore, no matter how much he wanted it to. The terror set in, the terror of knowing there was nothing he could do about this situation except let it go. Come and go.

"I'm sorry… I'm just tired… I guess…"

Startled by the fact that she actually apologized he'd nothing left to say because this was still Rachel and she didn't make mistakes so there'd never been the need for an apology. But now she sat in front of him, slumped into an uncomfortable chair, completely defeated - not caring what everybody thought about her.

"Mommy?"

Their heads snapped up in pure synch. Staring down at the little boy Rachel sighed as she realized he tried to focus.

"I'm here…" His small hands searched for her larger ones and finally she crawled into bed with him, ignoring Pucks curious gaze. Her fingertips played a silent song on his back, while he fell easily back to sleep. "The new medication they're having him on is making him somewhat strangely disconnected from reality… Sometimes he can't even see anymore… It's like he's flipping in and out of mental consciousness."

She reached across to the nightstand for her headphones – music always brought him back to himself. It was Bach and Mozart she'd played him these days because they kept him grounded. Her eyes travelled back to Puck and she realized just how glad she was he was there. She knew that there'd been a time when he'd loved her more than the moon, the stars and the silver lake in the woods. But he shouldn't have – so she made it stop because this town had been too paralyzing and she couldn't give up her future for a stupid crush.

Looking at each other over the top of their sleeping child, Puck felt his heart pounding. Two hours ago, he'd been wondering whether or not he was going to see her ever again. Now, she was here, relatively well, and in a bed, with their dying son. Their son. He watched her hand that was holding the one of their son. It moved slightly, not to pull away, but rather to get more comfortable. He really wanted to lean forward, kiss the fingers that he hadn't felt for so long.

"You know… I've been in plenty of hospitals the past few months. I think I've seen every Cancer Wing in New Jersey… I… Every time I have to look at a child in a hospital room, a beeping monitor the only indication that they are still alive, is one step closer to an increasingly inevitable breakdown. I'm not going to watch him die. I can't."

"Rach…"

Puck looked away. A burning sensation behind her eyes caused her to blink rapidly, and it was soon followed by a think lump choking up his throat. He'd never felt so helpless. In the life he knew everything was easy, problems were solved by muscles and threats. This was different and he had the sick feeling that this was the responsibility he'd tried to avoid his entire life.

"I'll get tested first thing tomorrow, but…"

She got up and walked up to him, leaning down, placing her lips against his forehead. She let her lips linger there for longer than necessary, regardless of the fact that all of her friends were now gathered outside, watching the interaction. While in that position, she kept one hand on his cheek, the other grasping hold of the hand that gripped her arm and holding it gently within her own.

He looked up, confused by her gentleness. A part of him just couldn't understand how a single human being could change so dramatically. It didn't fit in his view of the world.

"…but… if I don't fit… I don't think _I_ will be able to watch him die…"

She smiled reassuringly. "I understand but you can't forget. You still have your daughter if Will dies. I'll be left alone…"

His gaze darkened. When Quinn had abandoned their child he'd told his mother and he kind of became a father from one moment to the other. Now Hannah was his life and he couldn't let anything interfere with the relationship to her. Not even Rachel or his son. They were strangers. Hannah was his life. He couldn't put them over his daughters sake.

"Don't make me choose. You wouldn't win."

TbC

A/N: I'm really sorry for the delay. :[ I'm glad you liked it and thank you very, very much for everybody who left a review. :]


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4 **

She'd kicked him out after that statement. It wasn't like she couldn't understand what he felt but in life there were boundaries and he'd just jumped over it. She knew she'd to let him in the next morning. Not that she had a choice. And he, he would show up because this dying kid belonged to him as much as to her.

This night, sleep didn't come easy. She drifted in and out of consciousness, falling from the uncomfortable chair when her son awoke around 6 in the morning.

"I guess he didn't take it well?"

Maybe she'd slept deeper than she thought because Kurt just sat there, Will in his lap playing with an old stuffed bunny.

There was something overly reassuring, about the way Kurt held her son and smiled at him. He stood up, keeping Will against his shoulder for a moment before moving him to his hip, so that the little boy could look around with usual curiosity.

"What a shame…"

"Hm?"

"That you're gay…"

Kurt grinned placing a gentle kiss on Wills head. Rachels eyes drifted down to the doll clutched tightly in Will's right hand. A present from her dads for his first birthday. Embroidered blue eyes and red rouge lips - it almost looked like a tiny human. Rachel lifted his left hand in hers, cupping it protectively within her own.

"Honey, you look like hell…", Kurt said simply.

She frowned, taken completely off guard. With him so close, she could only nod into his stare. She had to stay strong.

"Mr. Berry and I are going to search for some clowns. I think I heard some of them down the hall. In the mean time, you, my dear are going to take a shower. I'm afraid you're starting to… smell…"

She was not quite sure what to make of that statement, and for right now, she was too tired to think it through fully. "Okay…"

When she returned half an hour later he just stood there, like he never had left in the first time.

There was silence for a long time, with Rachel holding her gaze trained on Puck.

"Rachel!", he barked.

She couldn't help wondering what it would be like to touch him now, to feel the differences in his body with her fingertips, to experience once again his passionate nature, even though she sensed the extent of the risk to her emotions if she gave in to this impulse. Fact was, she still wanted him.

_Don't touch me!, _she nearly screamed when she saw the unexpected glitter of raw sexual need flare in the depths of his eyes. _I'd die if you dishonoured what we once felt for each other._

"Daddy, Daddy! Look! I'm a princess!"

"Hannah…" Rachel was stunned by Pucks gentleness with the girl. She hadn't seen her in over five years but she could place her under a million. The spitting image of her father... The dark skin and the shiny eyes… It made her want to crumble under the pressure. Eyes, the colour of a dark starry night, remained glassy and unfocused, and she made no move to leave them alone.

The girl climbed onto his back grinning at her over his shoulder. Rachel blinked away the surrealism of the situation and met Pucks gaze. _How can you do this to me?_

"Why don't you go, bother Uncle Kurt a little bit. He's near the candy machine."

She was gone in an instant.

"I got tested a couple of hours ago. The doc told me to come back around now. I just… wanted to tell you… I guess…"

She placed her hand in his and he tugged her body close, immediately fitting into all the right grooves. It was awkward initially, but after a minute she laid her head on his shoulder, lulled by the gentle motion. His hands were lying simply on his side, just begging for a chance to touch her. Sighing silently he placed them on her sinfully soft hips. Initially, she froze. But then she looked up into his eyes and saw something there she had been waiting her entire life to decipher.

"Mr. Puckerman?" They separated and suddenly she found herself drowning in the possibilities. She couldn't figure out if anything about this whole situation was normal and how she was supposed to know if she was sane or not. Rachel flinched, when she felt him next to her.

With a tenderness she barely remembered of him, he took hold of her hand, tugging on it gently.

"I am really sorry, Mr. Puckerman, but you're not a match for William Berry."

Rachel could hear something within her shatter as she let go of Noahs hand. She tried to remember how to form a coherent word, but there was nothing left within her mind. The words were spiralling through her mind and she thought this was the moment she'd go crazy. In the end there was just _so much _a human could handle.

She didn't know how she'd ended up in her son's room, but she cradled him in her arms.

"Mommy?"

"Yes, honey?"

"'m tired… homey… don't like it here…"

"Does it hurt, Will?", she asked silently against his naked head.

"Not an'more…"

She knew Kurt was beside her. Rachel looked at the ceiling for a moment, still struggling with the thought that this wasn't normal. This wasn't how children were supposed to be sick. They were supposed to get the sniffles and a bit of a cough, if anything. They weren't supposed to be like this. When she looked back down, she saw her son looking up at her with pleading eyes.

"I think it's okay, when we go home, than… isn't it?"

But Kurt didn't have an answer for that.

TbC

A/N: Thank you so much fort he Reviews. You're awesome. :] Hope you like the new chapter. ^^


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

He looked over to his left, at the glass of tequila sitting on the table between him and Rachel. They didn't drink but they took comfort in the fact that they could.

"You know, you could ask him…"

"About what?", she mumbled.

"Hannah…"

"Oh…"

"Come on, Rach… What's the problem? Do you want him to die?"

She locked eyes with Kurt, years worth of emotion gathering in her eyes as she stared at him helplessly. She suddenly realised how terrible she appeared. Sleep deprived. Hope deprived. Having not showered in days. A human wreck, physically and emotionally.

"How can you say that? Of course I don't want him to die…"

"Than what's the problem?", he asked.

"The problem is, that my 4 year old son asked me to let him die!"

"Rachel," he whispered, unable to take his eyes from her, his eyes reflecting her pain for Will asking her the one thing she could never. "How about I'm going to take care of Will and Hannah tomorrow so both of you could… you know… talk. Like parents about their child…"

"Maybe Thomas Wolfe was right after all…", she mumbled.

"Pardon?"

"You Can't Go Home Again…"

The ghost of a smile crossed Kurt's features and he was glad that some things would never change.

A strong swallow was all she needed to drown out the throbbing pain. A loud clink echoed in their ears when she let the glass fall to the floor, empty of tequila. She thought of it as music but that wasn't what it was about anymore. Rachel Berry was one of these rare prodigies who could play the piano at the age of five. There wasn't the need of notes or systems. It was like reading without knowing the alphabet. It always showed her that she was alive, it showed her what was real.

Without saying a word she got up, stuck her thumb in her mouth and reached for the bottle.

"You think that's going to solve the problem?"

There were times when she hated him and his stupid idealistic attitude because he was right and she wasn't used to be wrong. So she placed the bottle back on the table and let out a frustrated groan. She knew that she was thinking about _him_ way to often even though she was the one who left him in this town. But in the end it seemed like it still stripped all the possibilities from them. She was disturbed by the things she thinks of. Stupid irrelevant details. Still… When she watched Will it was as if her world would just shatter again.

"When it's over… One way or the other… I'm never going to be back again…"

A loud knock drowned her exhausted murmuring and, causing her to sigh and get herself up. She cursed when she realized that life had stripped all the predictability of her life, because Hannah was sleeping in his arms and he just passed her on his way over her threshold. She stuck to what she knew. The promise of getting involved in whatever rise of circumstances seemed to be occurring was just not a good idea. But part of her, a dormant part of her, seemed to dwindle in it anyway.

"You're drinking?"

When she turned around, Hannah was with Kurt and both of them were on their way upstairs. She was faced with the fact that they needed to talk. She reached into the pocket of her trousers, pulling out a hair elastic and sweeping her hair into a ponytail. She leaned against the wall, her palms flattening against the cool wallpaper and her gaze was fixed on him.

It's a staring contest and she wondered who's going to win. Her son was dying and she hated herself for the fact that she was thinking about the possibility of skin against skin. It burns even worse when he was here. She tried breathing but it hurt so she let herself sink to the ground and that came close to brick walls crumbling under pressure.

She looked up from her corner on the ground. He looked down at her and she glared, daring him to make a remark about her weakness but he just moved to sit at her side. There were apologies on her mind but she was too proud and he wouldn't accept them anyway.

"You know, at the beginning I dreamed that you bewitched me into bed."

She couldn't help but snort because she never figured him to be the guy quoting cheesy songs but she smiled at the fact that she could take comfort in the fact that he did.

"There is this one question I haven't asked you yet."

Puck wasn't stupid, not anymore – not in the way people thought he would be. He cared and he managed to look after his girl. But there was a difference between his kids. Hannah he knew… he put her to bed, he read her fancy fairy tales, he actually managed a french braid. But Will was a stranger he just managed to meet a couple of hours ago. Who was Rachel daring him to make a decision like that? He took a deep breath. It was as if he was approaching an affirmation, a big one, because this was going too fast for them to approach another phase. It didn't matter – never did.

"I might hate you after this…"

It was all too much sometimes, just how much this man had come to define the parameters of her world. There were times when she felt regret because he didn't seem to notice what he'd done to her. In order to save her, he would first find a way to break through his own ego.

She was silent for a second and he let himself believe it was because she was observant. Maybe she was after all, maybe he missed all the small references she gave him.

Clasping both arms tightly around her knees she lowered her head, as her small frame is wracked by the force of soundless sobs. She tried to remain as calm as possible, but as she took a deep breath it got caught somewhere in her throat. Finally it escaped on the tail end of a soul-shattering wail; a horrible sound she didn't even knew herself capable of making. The first was followed another, and another until she couldn't hear his voice anymore.

He stared and stared and stared – asking himself how to comfort a human being he once used to know.

A/N: I'm SO sorry for the delay but I suffered a writer's block and that got me depressed. Seriously, I'm just happy when I'm able to write even if it's stupid. Thanks for your support and your lovely reviews. I really hope there aren't so many mistakes left. :,(

BTW, last night's episode was the first where I actually liked Finn and that's kind of creepy. O.o


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